I know it seems like I am stone-walling you and like I am not interested in talking to you at all. But believe me, there is nothing else I want to do more than talk to you. I have to literally force myself to believe that I am fine without you and that this life is better; rather the best I could ever have.
I don’t do this because I want to make you realize my worth, or because I want to punish you for something. No! I would never do that. Moreover, it’s me who has made all the grave mistakes. What could I possibly punish you for. If there is anyone who deserves to be punished, it’s me.
But yeah, as I was saying, it’s not because I want to do anything to hurt you. I am doing this just so I don’t have to go through anything so hurtful and damaging that I would end up deep down in the rabbit hole once again, with no sense of time, muttering to myself. I have spent years down there. It is not a good place at all. I have to stay as far away from as is possible. I need to learn to do that.
We both know, there will come a day, when you will go away and will never come back. Not because you won’t want to, but because there will be no way back to the place where I will be. One day, you will go too far away and I don’t want to be so close to you until then and just see you walk away all of a sudden. I am not so good at letting go. I have never been. You know that!
So please, just let me process. I need a lot of time to convince myself that one day I will have to see you walk away into an all new life with someone who would be actually deserving of you. Someone, who would actually love you and care for you like I never could. Or to be true, the way I never can.
You deserve a normal, happy life. And I… I am Still A Million Miles From Normal.